There’s No Need to Say Goodbye Perfectly

This is a very moving time for both the individual and family to say goodbye to the person in hospice. You might ask yourself, what to say, how to say it, when to say it and whether your loved one can hear you.

Love both and gratitude and sadness, memories and silence and not-yet-finished words. But you want the moment to be meaningful, right? It’s not unusual to feel uncertain either.

We recognize that a perfect goodbye isn’t essential at Canestro Care Hospice. Sometimes it’s just a few words, a quiet hand held, a favorite memory, a prayer, a song, a letter, or just to be there by a loved one.

This guide will give you gentle tips on saying goodbye to someone in hospice—what to say, how to be present when they cannot respond, how to support kids and other family members and how hospice care can help you through this meaningful time.

There’s no perfect goodbye.

There is a lot of pressure on many families to say just the right thing. They are afraid of saying too much or too little, crying, forgetting something important or not at the right time.

However, it’s not possible that a goodbye has to be perfect to be full of love.

Simple words can be so powerful:

“I love you.”

“Thank you.”

“What I am doing, I am doing it with you.”

“You are so important to me.

“My son, I will take you with me.”

It is not important to say all the words just right. It’s about being present with love, honesty and tenderness.

Words of Consolation for a Hospice Patient

It’s often comforting to say simple and sincere words. It’s not necessary to tell about memories from a lifetime at once. Speak from the heart and do it in a natural manner.

You might say:

I am in love with you!

Thank you for all that you have done for me.”

“Thank you for the time we have spent together.”

“You were a very important person to me.”

You will always be in my thoughts.”

“Love is all around you.”

If your loved one wants to talk, let them lead the way. They might like to reminisce, ask questions, talk about family or even about the ‘normal’ things of life. Even regular, normal conversation can provide comfort.

Just because they may be tired or unable to speak, there is still a way for you to be meaningful.

Saying “I Love You”

The simplest words can be the most important words.

“Love” is a verb that can be repeated and repeated and repeated. You can say it quietly, write it in a card, say it when holding their hand, or say it just in case they can’t respond.

You might say:

I love you, I’m so grateful for you.”

I love you, I am here.

I love you more than I have words for.

I love you, I will take your love with me.

Love doesn’t require a long talk. One heartfelt word is sufficient.

Saying “Thank You”

Being grateful can be a gorgeous part of by no means. Consider expressing gratitude for their love, guidance, strength, patience, humor, care or for the memories you shared.

You might say:

Thank you for loving me.

Thank you because you’re part of my life.

Thanks for all the things you have taught me.”

“Great times together, thanks for the memories.”

Thanks for giving us our family.

Gratefulness can be sincere even if the relationship was complex. It’s not that you can’t pretend everything was perfect.You need not pretend everything was perfect. You can give them thanks for something particular that is true.

Sharing a Memory

Memories can be used to bring comfort, connection, peace. A favorite story, a family tradition, a funny moment or a lesson that your loved one taught you.

You might say:

“What I was saying was: I was thinking about the time we….”

Making a memory wall with you is one of my favorite memories with you.

“How you… I will always remember.”

“When you… you made me feel loved.”

“That memory shall never go from my mind.”

You may be able to comfort your loved one even if he or she can’t talk back.

Writing a Letter

If talking presents a challenge, writing a letter may help. Read out loud, leave it at home or reflect on it before you go out.

Here are some elements a goodbye letter should contain:

Who is the individual in your life that you want to be you to?

A favorite memory

A thing that you are grateful for

Words of love

Words of peace

You may start with:

I cannot say goodbye, I can only let you know how special you are to me.

Or:

I could say so many things, but this is the most important: “I love you, I’m thankful for you.”

When words are difficult to say, a letter can help to convey what is in your heart.

What If the Person Can’t Respond?

When a loved one in hospice can no longer talk or communicate clearly, it can be challenging. Often families ask, “Does it still matter to talk to them?

Lots of people like to talk even though they don’t understand.

It is permissible to sit near, hold their hand if they accept it, read them a letter, play soft music or pray if suitable, or simply say:

I will be with you, I am here.

“I love you.”

“There is love all around you.”

“Many thanks for all that you’ve come to mean.”

“From now on, I will remember you forever.”

It is okay for a goodbye to not involve talking. You can still have a significant impact.

What If You Can’t Make It There?

Due to distance, time, health, travel or family concerns, it can be challenging to be in person.

There are ways to leave good. You can call, arrange a video call, leave a voice message, write a letter, leave a message for someone to read to you, or ask a trusted person to read your words at the bedside.

You might write:

Please tell them that I love them. Please tell them that I am thankful for them. Please tell them that they will always be a part of me.

You don’t love someone if you’re away. Love can be conveyed by a voice, a message, a memory, a person sharing your words.

Supporting Children Through Goodbye

Children may require some gentle, honest assistance when they have to say goodbye to a person in hospice. The best depends on the child’s age, relationship, personality and the wishes of the family.

Write clear and simple sentences. Avoid using phrases that could cause a child to feel uncertain or fearful.

You might say:

“Grandpa is very sick and his body is not getting well – We are going to visit him, we are going to tell him we love him and we are going to sit with him for a while.”

A child’s parting words can be brief. They can create a drawing, hug you, say “I love you,” leave you a card or just be there.

Hospice social workers and chaplains may be able to assist families in making decisions about what’s right, and how to do it in a sensitive way, regarding children.

Is It Okay to Cry?

Yes. It is okay to cry.

Tears are common to the expression of love, grief and intense emotion. You don’t need to conceal all emotions. If you are feeling overwhelmed you can go outside for a break, take a breath or seek help from another loved one or team member from hospice.

You may say quietly:

I’m crying because I love you, don’t be concerned about me right now.

It’s not a disaster if your baby cries. It can be a loving goodbye.

Does silence equal a good-bye?

Yes. The key to silence is that it can be a goodbye.

Sometimes words don’t exist. The person at times rests. There are times when words won’t suffice. At those times, to be there, to hold their hand, to pray quietly, to play music, to be present, speaks more than words.

The unspoken goodbye is just as meaningful as:

“I am here.”

“I love you.”

“It’s not your fault.”

The role Hospice can play for you and your family.

Hospice care provides emotional, physical, social and spiritual assistance to the patient and family.

When our team is available at Canestro Care Hospice, we can assist families in responding to changes, with comfort, in communication and with guidance during significant moments. Nurses provide assistance with comfort and symptoms. Social workers assist in family support, family planning, communication and emotional support. The spiritual and emotional support given by chaplains is relevant to the beliefs, values and wishes of the individual. Loved ones bereavement support can continue after care.

You’re not alone in going through this. We are here to journey with you in a compassionate, respectful and stable manner.

Frequently Asked Questions

How to say goodbye to someone in hospice?

Often the simplest words are the best. Say, “I love you,” “Thank you,” “I’m with you,” “You mean so much to me,” or “I will remember you always.”

If my loved one can’t answer back, what can I do?

It is possible to say quietly, hold hands (if they accept you), read a letter, play music, pray or sit near. You are still here and you can still be comforting.

Is it okay to cry?

Yes. Crying is natural. It’s OK to feel emotions, and it’s OK at the same time to keep the moment calm and supportive.

But what to do if I don’t know what to say?

You can tell your spouse, “I don’t have the right words, but I love you,” or “I am with you.” Words may be difficult, but presence can be helpful.

Can hospice facilitate “goodbye” for families?

Yes. Hospice team provides guidance, emotional support, spiritual care and bereavement support to families pre-, during, and after hospice care.